I'm Only Here Because of G-d....

I'm Only Here Right Now Because of G-d.....

Not long ago I had emergency surgery, and from the moment just before it began, I felt myself being gently lifted and held, and carried. And the voice spoke gently and surely into me and said, "I've got you." 

It was not anything I ever heard or conceived of. I was held by arms so strong and gentle and I have never felt more safe in my entire life. I had no fear whatsoever.

And as the surgeon worked to save my life, I was far from the OR, and in a place with G-d, or maybe my angel. I cannot say for sure. But we were elsewhere, there is no doubt. I felt strong and soft hands rubbing my arms and shoulders, reassuring me the whole time, and that voice I shall never forget, that kept saying, 

"I've got you. Don't worry."

I never worried. No matter the outcome, which I knew was not in my control, I knew I was safe, and loved, and would be where I was supposed to be if I awoke in this world or not. I felt we were in a holding place, not in heaven, not on earth. It seemed decisions were being made, but all the while I was cocooned in love and warmth. This seemed to go on for a long time.

My surgery lasted over 4 hours....

When I did wake up in recovery, I immediately told my son where I had been. I guess given the nature of the emergency and the stress surrounding the waiting and worry, it was hard for him to accept. But I have never wavered one bit on what transpired during those hours. 

I even asked the surgeon if it could have been the anaesthesiologist, and he absolutely assured me no one was touching my arms or shoulders, and the medicine had all been given to me in my iv.

I am a changed person because of this. Nothing bothers me. I have total faith in my Creator. I take nothing for granted. I was always very spiritual, but G-d is everything, and gratitude means more to me than ever.

I do not know why I was returned here to continue living, but I believe it will be revealed to me, whether through an opportunity to be of service, or my continued service I do, or just being a loving, kind hearted person. Or maybe something entirely different.

I do know my heart is willing and open. And life is so precious.

Life , and all that means, Shows up....

There are smudges on the twilight sky tonight, like charcoal streaks across a darkening background, and they are appropriate.
Because there has been a lot of wreckage of late, and I've done a lot of hand holding as the processing takes place. And it feels like charcoal tears streaking down the cheeks of those I love. I'm grateful for the capacity G-d has blessed me with that gives me the gift to listen and hold and keep and offer love and support. It is coming up a lot right now in many areas of my life and it feels right. I'm at a place of acceptance with my mother too. And I feel my own prayers answered in that acceptance and loving compassion, and I am beyond grateful that I can allow others in again and not just be alone in my heart.

I'm feeling a lot more calm. I'm feeling a lot less panic.

  And I know this is the presence of G-d because I have asked for that strength and support and I am never alone because of that.
 And the gifts I have been given rise again to the fore and distract me from the spinning thoughts. I am very grateful.
 I read an interesting piece about how, after we die, we are asked by our angels, our "true name". This is not the name we were given in this life, but the name that tells our purpose in this life, the reason we were here. And how it might roll right off our tongue, and if not, it will be what we are sent back again to learn once more until we get it, in our next life. It was interesting to me because I didn't know that Jews believed in angels, but also because of the reincarnation aspect. And then because I've always had a very deep-seated notion of some lesson I've been sent here to learn. It really resonated with me. I'm grateful today for calm in my home, peace in my heart and love. It's really what I've sought my whole life and now I truly have it. And grateful for all of you.